The BEAST is turning one!!!

Its been a while since i updated this! Guess i better start. I plan on updating this a lot more just so i can remember my pregress on Jonathans birthday haha. I figure if i write down what i have done and plan on doing, ill remember better. Hes having a monster themed party, since he is The beast = ]

I havent found many things in stores, i guess seeing that its nowhere

near October, thats pretty normal. So ive decided to be creative and take matters in my own hands.

I was planning on making my own pinata, but i found a monster one at Kmart for 11 dollars, and hey, its less work for me right? I mean it is my birthday too...

I also want to make a watermelon monster [i saw one online] but watermelon may not be in season...if i find one, itll be done!

I plan on making chocolate covered marshmellows with monster faces,

on sticks = ]

And his smashcake will just be a big monster face.

His invitations [ill put pics up soon] are a monster dinosaur smashing blocks in a diaper, and theyll say "the beast is turning one!" im just waiting on my friend to draw it.

I havent decided if i want to make cupcakes or a cake..or just buy one? idk...

Me and two friends made the goody bags, and they turned out too cute. th

eyll be filled with gummy worms, and jelly beans, and monster goo = ]

25 things about me.

Rules: Start with "If you really knew me, you'd know..." Same rules as the 25 random things. Tag 25 people, once you've been tagged, you have to do this as well. Write 25 truths about yourself you want your friends to know about you.

If you really knew me, you'd know...

1. I silently pray like a million times throughout the day.
2. Im a very emotional person despite the silliness i always express.
3. my son is my world, and i dont care how young i had him, i wouldnt give him up for nothing,
4. Ill chase something for years, but when i get it, i dont want it anymore.
5. Raider is the only guy i have ever actually felt jealousy for.
6. i love to play online scrabble.
7. im really clumsy. always have been.
8. I have really bad panic attacks and anxiety which is why i dont talk too much about the future.
9. I don't want to hear about 2012. stfu.
10. my hair has changed a million colors, on its own. [without dye]
11.im a big baby when it comes to getting sick. ill tell you im dieing a million times before its over, and i might just cry. lol.
12. im stuck in the 90's.
13. until i was about 8 i seriously acted like a boy.
14. i have a scar on my knee from stealing a bag of popcorn from my friend and running home, while she was chasing me. [i fell]
15. i went into a panic attack after labor and the knocked me out, leaving me afraid to have more kids.
16. i want a baby girl.
17. i want to get married so bad..
18. I never really wanna move out of tennessee no matter what i might say,.
19. im blind, but i refuse refuse refuse to wear contacts or glasses.
20. I want to be an ultrasound technician.
21. i love mexican food, and the mexican culture too haha.
22. I dont like being called a nazi.
23. my guilty pleasure is reading sexy novels haha.
24. I love babies! and i will spoil whichever ones i have with me haha.
25. I bitch a lot.

I dont know who i am anymore.

I used to be so out spoken, so outgoing, so active, so fun. I used to speak my oppinion reguardless of who was around. Now its like i hide. Around him im a different person. I dont feel like its okay to cry, or be upset. I dont feel appriciated, I dont feel like i do anything up to his standards. Its like sometimes i just want to say "Well go be with someone who does things your ways then!" I mean one of us has to be happy right? Im not saying im not completely happy. When i see my son smile, im on top of the world. But lately, when i see his dad, all i see is anger. I would pay to see raider happy again, and i just dont think thatll happen while im around. I know he loves me, he works his ass off for me and my son, but i dont think he sees the girl he fell in love with when he looks at me. The things he used to find cute about me, annoy him now. And its making me miserable. I want him to appriciate what i do do, instead of critisizing me for what i dont. I want him to randomly tell me im beautiful, and tell me how much he loves me. I want him to take me and jonathan to a park, or even for a little walk around our apartments, just because its a beautiful day to be with his family. I want him to be happy again. I know hes tired and stressed from work, but i am too. I dont get a break, he doesnt get that. I work 24/7. I cant eat my lunch alone, and i have to struggle to take a shower alone! I appriciate him working for me, and i will always be thankful for that, but i dont appriciate when i clean every room except for ours, and i get bitched at because i didnt do "my job" i do my job every day. One room that noone should even see is apparently worth making me feel like shit. I try. I really do, and he doesnt really care about that. Doesnt matter if im feeling sick. I have to be perfect. I cant make mistakes. I dont understand how it came to this. I dont. I want him to love me like he used to, flaws and all. I wish he would just try to understand.

Everybody said you gatta give it up, you cant keep that child at seventeen, youre just a baby. Well she cried and she prayed and she made up her mind. Said this beautiful life thats growin inside deserves a chance to have a hand in God's plan. There will be dead ends and road blocks, tough times and hard knocks, seems like youre always wonderin why youre in the right place at the wrong time. Wheels movin but you feel stuck, your lifes spinnin in a big mud. when youre out there runnin on a wild goose chase, theres a reason to keep believing.

GOD DONT MAKE MISTAKES.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere?

I feel like running away.

I really dont know what i want anymore.

Day 10: Confession time.

I very possibly, most likely, will be moving in two months, to Virginia.