Long Lost Innocence.

I dont know what i was thinking to be honest. I was young, dumb, is that much of an excuse? I did know what sex was, or atleast i thought i did...Maybe i didnt? It was so long ago, and even if it werent, im not sure if i could explain how i felt, what i was doing, where i was. I really couldn't. Maybe it is an excuse. He was far too old for me. He was capable of much more than i was and i had no clue what i was getting myself into. He knew.

It makes me sick. How a grown man can take advantage of a young heart. A young soul. A young body. It really does. I wish i could explain to young girls how to say no. I wish i could teach them. But i cant, because i didnt. I let it happen and i went along with it, more than once. I continued feeding into bullshit, and letting him take advantage of me, because i didnt know better?

I see it in movies and it honestly makes me sick..what was i thinking? who knew that day at the park would have such an impact on my life. I didnt know what was going on until it was over...and from then on i had the attitude of "well i already did it..." everytime he called. I wish he would have thought more of me. I wish he would have thought more about how it would affect me. I wish he would have realized how many people would shove it in my face and ridicule me because of it. I wish he would have thought with the right head.

He was selfish. I was a little girl. 13 years old. I didnt deserve it. No he didnt force me, no i wasnt raped, but i didnt deserve it. No girl does, whether its forced upon or not. No girl deserves to have to live with that and i wish i would have knew better.

I pray for any girl whos in those circumstances and i hope she has the strength to say no. To push him away or to tell someone. Someone other than the girls her age who think its cool or okay. I pray for God to help them. I dont think about it every day but when it comes up, it hurts. I hate having regrets, but i have one. Him. He was my first mistake. Im not sure what all would have changed had i never been with him. I believe i was always meant to be where i am today so maybe nothing would have changed? maybe he was just something that could have been passed over and i didnt have the strength to say no? who knows. I know i cant change or take back what was said and done. But i wish i could try. He took away a big part of me and i cant get it back. to be honest i wish i could give that part of me to raider, he deserves it the most. But i know i cant. Id just be satisfied if i could delete him from my memory. I mean hes already been deleted from the country, but thats not good enough.

I dont hate him, i was over that stage long ago. I went through a stage where i could talk to him and not think about it but that was because i was dating his nephew, i had no choice but to not speak up. but i should have. I hope i was the only young girl he lusted for. I hope no other girl has to hold that regret inside of her. and i hope no young girl in his country is dealing with him now.

it feels good to get that all out finally.