so many different topics.

I have so many things i want to get out. Havent had much time to update this thing, but this will definately make up for it.

The other night i was laying in bed thinking about life i guess you could say, and my relationships with the people in mine. I was thinking about the one person who has been there through everything with me. Who has shared many laughs with me, and seen many tears from my eyes. My MOM. From day one ive been able to count on her and shes never let me down, but ive let her down im sure. I know shes proud of me, but im sorry i had to hurt her at times in order to get here. I always think of my mom as a strong superior woman, and if i see her have a moment of weakness, for some reason, it stings me. It hurts me more than it hurts her. Even if its something stupid, like her tripping or something, she can laugh it off, and ill laugh with her, but inside, it actually makes me sad. I dont know why this is, so if theres some kind of therapist out there who some how stumbles across this, let me know. My mom,[and my son] is honestly my best friend. I remember when raider left to Utah, i sat by my birthday cake, choking back tears, trying to make her and hailey think i was happy, and my mom told me to tell raider thanks, thanks for messing me up. It may sound kind of mean to anyone else, but to me it meant a lot. It meant she cared. She cared a lot that i was hurting, and it showed she was hurting too. I want her to know im sorry for not showing much appriciation for that birthday, i do appriciate it, i appriciate everything, even when i dont show it. I love you mom.

I want to talk about my relationship with raider. I have noticed that on this blog, i bitch about everything he does, it seems. It seems as if im not ever happy. but thats just a misunderstanding. I am very happy with raider.blogging is the only way to discuss my problems i guess, so when im happy, i dont really have anything to write. But even though we have our problems, im grateful for the love he gives me. I trust him, and love him more than i would ever love any other man. And as i told his brother, if i were to leave and look for something better, i wouldnt be happy, because whoever that someone is, iit wouldnt be him, and he is who i want.

And friends. I dont have many great friends, infact, i can only think of three that i could really depend on, and who i know would always be there for me. i feel as if i have this huge heart that wants to befriend everyone, but you just cant do that these days. People lie. Infact, ive been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel like ive really been lied too the past weeks. I hate helping people, only to be lied to and hurt in the end. I feel like some people just expect you to always take care of them, but where will they be when i need help? exactly. I want people to know that if you expect your friends to support you and take care of you your whole life, you need a reality check. You have to do something to help yourself. You cant always play the victim, you have to take responsibility for your actions and learn from them. Lieing about who your with, who youre friends with, where youre going, isnt okay when youre biting the hand that feeds you. It really annoys me to be honest. Ill think twice next time i open my arms, or my door. i may have been a fool, but thanks for teaching me a lesson.

My dad...Theres not much to say about him, but since my brother brought him up the other day, i want to tell people to stop. Stop trying to make things better between us because you cant. He said what he said, he meant it. He cant take it back, but as he supposedly said, he can eat his words, and i sure hope they taste good. I had never been told things like these, and i guess it was good for me in a way, a bit of a reality check for myself. There are people in this world that want to see people hurt, and he was one of them. I was told as an excuse for his not coming to mend things, that he didnt have much longer to live. wouldnt that motivate you to mend relationships with your children? And i was told that i wouldnt answer the phone if he called? correct. If he really wanted things to be okay, he'd find a way. I dont want to forgive, and i sure as hell wont forget, but i can move past it, as im trying to do. So please refrain from bringing him up, or telling me he loves me, because im not dumb. And i honestly dont want to hear it.